Finally, PROGRESS

I love setting goals. That's like my favorite thing to do. I do it while playing video games, doing homework, reading my scriptures, looking toward the future, goals are like, my thing. Which is great, because depression responds well to setting goals. Except, I think that also precludes keeping them. Which is way harder. I'm bad at accomplishing my goals. So, if you remember, at the beginning of the summer, I wanted to go to the temple every week, be healthy enough to hike timp, and read my scriptures all the time or something like that. (This is from memory, because I can't be bothered to look back on it.) If you were to talk to me a week ago, I'd tell you that I'd fallen flat, and just absolutely failed. And I did, for a while. I wasn't working out, reading the scriptures was a struggle, and getting to the temple every week was even harder. I pushed all my friends away except for like one, and everything was just HARD. But guys! I'M MAKING ACTUAL PROGRESS ON MY GOALS! First and foremost, is exercise. Can I just tell you how hard it is for me to exercise?? It has been the dreaded thing of my life. I remember when I was little, eating whatever I wanted because it wouldn't make a difference yet, and adults telling me that one day, I would have to eat healthy and work out all the time or my body would go to pot. And my heart sank, because all I wanted to do was eat junk food and read. 

Nothing much has changed. 

I've always hated playing sports, or really anything that gets my heart rate up. Working out is like falling asleep: I have to trick myself into it. And at least with sleep, it's something I WANT to do. 

But guess what? Today makes 3 days of working out. IN A ROW. I'ma share with you the magical star alignment that allowed me to accomplish this feat (and hopefully keep it going?). 

1. I want to do something that will help me relieve stress and tension. 

2. They have yoga classes at BYU.

3. It costs $45 to buy the pass that gets you into those yoga classes.

4. My mom said if I actually will use it, she'll actually buy it for me. Which is great, because I have like $-10 right now, and it sucks. 

So, to prove to myself and to my mom that I'll work out, I started running. (Note: by "running" in this post, just imagine a nice slow jog. That's where I'm at right now.)

There's this app called C25k which is short for couch to 5k. I thought, hey. I'm sitting on my couch right now! This is ideal! So I downloaded it, started the "Running" station on pandora, and set off running around my neighborhood.

So apparently, it doesn't actually start off on the couch. It's more like, expecting that you actually are capable of like, running sometimes. I kind of can run? Sort of? Anyway, so the first workout was grueling to me. It had you warm up for 5 minutes, run for a minute, walk for 90 seconds, repeat. EIGHT. TIMES. That's a total of eight (8) minutes ran within a twenty (20) minute period. wut. 

So my first day, I managed to do 4 rounds of running/walking. And I went home, and I accounted to my mom my accomplishment, which I was super proud of, tbh. Then, walking home from institute that night, I told my lovely friends Haley and Rachel about it. So the next day, I wake up to a text from Haley: "Alicia! What time are you going running?" Literally. That text like actually woke me up. So I was like.. "uhhh idk" And she said that telling people when she was planning on going running was something that helped make sure she did it. And thus comes into the story the next person to whom I am accountable. 

Anywho, this day was different. Because I found out that in the suite of apps that C25k's creators, zen whateverness, they have a pushup app, a situp app, and a 7 minute workout app. Let me tell you, I have always wanted to be able to do tons of pushups. Also, my belly is my least favorite part of me. And a 7 minute workout is super great for burning through the sugar so you can burn fat throughout the rest of your day. So I was like, ooh! I can do these things before running! Yay! 

I was wrong. But, I found out what I want to do every day that I'm not running. So that's fun. Also, the pushup and situps apps start really easy. It's like, do two pushups. Now rest for a minute. Yaaassss. 

And today. TODAY. Dang guys. I'm so proud of myself today. So today I woke up, and I was like, ugh. I have to do a bajillion things today, and I have to work out, and it's already 10, and... ungh. So, here's what happened. I rolled out of bed, and put on clothes that I could run in. That were conveniently on my floor. Then, I went and I got myself some water and drank that. And then I drank a breakfast shake. Then, I procrastinated a bit, sat in our blanket fort and played 2048, you know, that kind of thing. Finally, I was like, ooh. I checked out like 1000 (only slightly exaggerating) books about fitness and nutrition yesterday. I should read one. And I found one about fighting depression, because, ya know. I have that. Also, I'm a psychology nerd. And, lo and behold, there was a section on working out. And I learned a lot of cool things that I've been ignoring when I look at treatments for depression because I hate working out. Here's some cool things about what working out does for your brain that you probably don't know about: 

• It promotes the growth of new brain cells and regulates brain chemicals, otherwise known as neurotransmitters, otherwise known as THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE and also what my medication regulates to keep me feeling good.
• increases feelings of confidence, self-esteem, competence, and sense of mastery. (So true. I literally brag for an hour every time I work out.)
• has a positive effect on your mood. 
• improves your sense of well-being. 
• releases the "feel good" hormones. (endorphins). Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don't kill their husbands. (Taken almost verbatim from "Managing your depression" By Susan J. Noonan, M.D, M.P.H. with commentary by myself and Legally Blonde)  

Not only that, but it's helping me focus more on making sure I have lots of protein in my diet, and is helping me not eat super unhealthy, which is cool. Anyway, so I learned that stuff, and so I magically decided to go on a run, even though it is hot out and I'd have to go to the track, which I'd never been to and I was worried I would like, embarrass myself because I am this newbie and whatever. (BTW, I walked into the track, and the second I got there, someone jogged past who looked a lot like me but boy version, so God was just helping me feel a lot more comfortable today or something). AND, GUESS WHAT. I made it through AN ENTIRE WORKOUT FROM C25K. That means, that I ran for a total of 8 minutes in between 90 second spurts of walking. I may have felt like I wanted to throw up, but I DIDN'T. So BOOYAH HATERS. I'M THE EFFING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD. 

Anyway, so here's to next week being as great as this one exercise-wise. I'm trying really hard to make it work, but I start work at BYUstore next week, so I won't have as much time to work up to it, ya feel me? 

As for the rest of my goals, I went to the temple this week with my friend Hannah, and I went to the Manti temple last week, so that's two weeks in a row. And, I've been doing super good with reading the Book of Mormon, helped along by the fact that my ward reads it together every night. And the fact that I like to play brainless games on my computer which is the perfect opportunities to listen to conference talks and make me feel like I'm not wasting time. 

That was a really long post, but I am just so excited and I want to keep going into the school year, so I'm praying for that right now. 

Update on my life.

So this blog has not turned out to be the documentation of life changing experiences the way I expected. Nevertheless, my life has indeed changed, and for the better.
LIFE UPDATE:
I started a job at a local pizza restaurant near my apartment in July, and was expecting to work there for the foreseeable future. I worked there... a month. My anxiety got the best of me, and I found it very difficult to handle the double shifts they often scheduled me for. I missed multiple shifts, calling in sick, and was super nauseous at the ones I actually went to. While my coworkers were supportive, I felt like I was drowning, and I just couldn't handle the stress the job was giving me.
My mom gave me a way out, and I took it, thinking I was doing the right thing. Now, I'm not so sure, but it's what happened and I learned a lot. I decided to move to Idaho for a month and live with my grandparents and help my grandma out as she wasn't eating and she was just all around in bad health. I was super excited to cook for her, and spend time with them and my cousins, because I've never really gotten to know any of them. I felt like this was a great idea because 1. I didn't have to work. 2. I could help my grandma, and be all selfless and stuff. 3. Cooking food? Hello!!! 4. I could work on developing good habits before school started.
Well, I lasted a week. I liked not having to work, and cooking, but my grandma was really hard to be around. The local Kmart legitimately has a codeword for her on their radios for when she comes in the store because she is a shopoholic. She'd run off and drive somewhere, which would normally be fine, but she's almost always heavily medicated. My family is very dysfunctional, and I've never really lived in that kind of environment, and it was just really toxic. But I did get to hang out with some awesome cousins of mine, and cook for my grandma, and she's been gaining more weight as I understand. Most likely due to her pixie stick addiction, but weight is weight, right? Anyway, long boring post, but a much more interesting (and probably just as long) post is coming your way soon. :)

On Failure, Fear and Flying

When I started this blog, I thought, man. This will be great! I'll just work on a goal a week, write a blog post every week, get famous, get interviewed on the Today Show, and get rich. (Okay, actually, I didn't expect the famous part, because the only people who can see this blog are people I send the link to.) That is not what happened.
Turns out, working on goals is hard. It takes effort, perseverance, and patience. And constant focus. Also, I wanted to keep achieving the goals I had set the previous week. Update on my sleeping goal: I go to bed before midnight usually, and wake up at some point before 11. Exercise-wise, I usually go at least 2000 steps a day, but occasionally more, when I actually leave my apartment. I should have a third goal somewhere here, but I don't.
That's where failure comes in. Everyone fails. It's written in our DNA. It's actually part of God's plan (see Ether 12:27), and it is the reason we have goals in the first place. The cool thing is, getting up and trying again (see repentance) is ALSO written in our DNA. So that's pretty nice. And although my blog is not super nice and orderly and organized, and I haven't accomplished the goals I originally set out to accomplish, I haven't been doing nothing! I've started going to the temple once a week, which was totally a goal of mine. I've read the Book of Mormon two days in a row for 30 minutes, and have been having a streak of reading the Book of Mormon every day besides that for even longer, I have found ways to earn money so that I can, you know, support myself and stuff, and all sorts of other things.
You know how people say that fear is the opposite of faith? It's also the opposite of achieving goals. I think fear is what stops me from trying my hardest, because I'm worried that my hardest won't be good enough, and I'll have to accept that I can't do it on my own. (There's a psychological term for this, in case you were wondering, it's called self-sabotage). It turns out that when you face your fears, you can accomplish a lot more.
Another (more personal) enemy to achieving my goals is negative thinking. I think this affects everyone else to some degree or other, but for someone with a mental illness, negative thoughts is something that causes a lot of my symptoms. I have had two really mind-changing thoughts over the past couple days. First, all of my problems have solutions. I read in a Tumblr post (I know.) one time that someone interviewing survivors who had attempted suicide on the Golden Gate bridge, almost all of them had said that about 2/3 of the way down, they had realized all their problems are fixable. These problems, remember were big enough to them to cause them to try to kill themselves. If their problems are fixable, then mine certainly are too. (I've tried to find the article they are referencing, and can't find the exact one, though the interviews I have found have been consistent with the claim. If you want the Tumblr post it's here.
The other thought that came to me yesterday was while I was having a pity party because it turns out I suck at transcription and keep getting negative scores. You know Heber J. Grant? LDS prophet and generally awesome guy? No? Well, here's a story. So, once upon a time he liked to play baseball. He wasn't very good at baseball, though. He hadn't got to play a lot as a kid, because he had to help his single mother with chores. He was in the bottom team of baseball, and couldn't even throw the ball to another base. He set a goal that he would be on the team that one day won the Utah championship, and saved up a dollar, bought a baseball, and practiced throwing it at his bishop's barn over and over and over again, his arm hurting so much at times that he couldn't even sleep. Eventually, he made it to the second team, and then joined another club and managed to get on the team that won not only the Utah championship, but also the surrounding states. If Heber J. Grant can do that, then I can probably learn to be a better transcriptionist.
Tl;dr, I guess what I really want to say is that repentance applies to more than just when we sin. It also helps us to be able to get up and try again when we are trying to become better (See the enabling power of the atonement). And when we work hard, and when we ask God to help, we can accomplish anything.

Week 1: Sleep

"Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated." -Doctrine and Covenants 88:124.

"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." - Benjamin Franklin.

Sleep is one of the most important things to do to function on a basic human level. When I don't sleep enough, I instantly turn into a five year old, and I just know that if I don't take a nap, I will end up having a mental breakdown and cry for pretty much no reason. I don't really need to make an argument about why sleep is important, because I'm sure you can provide sufficient anecdotal evidence of how much we all need sleep in our lives. But here's some fun facts that I got from the internet: From the magazine Shape: Sleep controls your diet. Lack of sleep can cause you to crave unhealthy foods, and lowers your self control, so you'll eat them. It also sabotages exercising and pretty much any other good thing you want to do with your life. A pretty good goal to start out with, huh? 
Waking up EARLY increases those benefits, plus gives you more time to do stuff. Plus, the scriptures say that your bodies and minds will be invigorated, so that's cool too. 
So, this week, I've been trying to get into a sleep schedule that is fairly regular, and involves earlier waking up times. Things did not go as well as I would have liked. I DID manage to get into a bit of a routine, and with the exception of one night that I stayed up till 3 in the morning (extenuating circumstances, whatcha gonna do?) I did manage to at least get into bed before midnight every night, and started turning off screens at least half an hour before bed. For benefits on that, click here. Plus, I'm getting myself to read for half an hour before bed which is like, my favorite thing. 
Waking up early... was kind of a total wash. But, every day is a new day, and I shall keep working hard! I think what went wrong this week was

1.  It was finals week. 
2. I did not set a firm bedtime
3. I DEFINITELY didn't set a firm wakeup time. Half the time, there wasn't even an alarm involved.
4. I let other people interfere.

This next week, hopefully will go better. Here's the accountability part. This week, I will begin getting ready for bed at 10:00 PM each night, and go to bed by 10:30. I will then wake up each morning at 6:30 AM. I'll report back next week along with my new goal: Exercising 5 days out of 7 for at least half an hour, and sweating. 

Till then, love you all,

~Alicia

Yet another foray into the world of blogging

“When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates.”

–President Thomas S. Monson

“Thou Art a Teacher Come from God,” Improvement Era, Dec. 1970, 101

Picture credit: https://growingforward.net/tag/goal-accomplishment/

First blog posts suck. I guess I'm probably supposed to write about what this blog is about, and the emotional journey that I'm about to go on, or introduce myself, or be entertaining or something. Summing things up, however, is NOT my strong point. But here goes. My name is Alicia. I am a 22 year old woman going to BYU. I have depression, am, according to my BMI morbidly obese (I'm not actually. I'm just a little obese) and I have goals and plans in life, much like anyone else. This summer, I want to work on some of those goals and plans, since I'm not taking classes or even working a standard job. This blog is going to document that journey.

I don't know who I'll share this blog with. Maybe one person, maybe the entire world. But I figured that this would be a good way for me to be accountable to my goals (see inspiring quote above). Something about me, however, is that I love making goals, and I want to accomplish them ALL AT ONCE. So, I've decided that I'm going to work on one major goal a week. There will be other goals I will try to accomplish, because, I mean, I've got a lot of time on my hands. But I'll only focus on one at a time. 

So, without further ado, welcome to my journey! [Insert exciting confetti effects here]